My surreal Interview Process
So it looks as if I'm going to get a juicy new job offer soon. I had my third interview (informal lunch with Chief Techy of the Rapidly Growing Highly Abstract Product/Service Firm with Tendrils reaching out everywhere. )
Here is how a summary of how the process went
I hit the send button on the email containing my fifty billionth resume and rapidly customized cover letter. (position: writer-editor-trainer)
Five minutes later I get a glowing reply from the project manager looking to hire me
Two days later I get an interview with him. I go to this crappy warehouse.
Him: Wow. You're qualified. What can you tell me about yourself?
Me: Err .. . I think I'm barely qualified if you'll only give me a chance
Him: Ok
Me: Ok, what?
Him: well you're qualified, you make me all happy inside and you'll be working here in this crappy warehouse.
Him: What are your salary requirements?
Me: (thinking:Well they just feed me table scraps now so any salary whatsoever would be fine) Saying: They told me not to name a salary
Him: Who is they?
Me: Err. . People who I talked to about interviewing techniques
Him: I believe in being forthright.
Me: I believe in listening to people who know about stuff like this but I'll do a five minute solilique on why money is not important to me and I just want to be well liked so you don't think I'm not being forthright
Him: Well Ok then, you convinced me. On to the second interview. We're going to be looking at dozens of people so it may be a while till you get that call
Me: (bowing and scraping) thank you Sahib, thank you
Him: might be a year or two till they call your non forthright ass, even though I have man love for you.
Me: (bowing and scraping) thank you Sahib, thank you
Five minutes later the phone rings
him2: Hey I just talked to the original him and he said you could be running this company in a week and he wants you to be a sperm donor because his sperm is obviously inferior to yours why don't you drop by in five minutes and talk with myself and Him3
Me: well I'm at work now and its late in the afternoon , how about tomorrow morning?
Him2: Ok how about midnight, that's morning?
Me: how about noon?
Him2: how about the crack of dawn?
Me: how about 8 am?
Him2: aww ok
The next day, I'm 2o minutes late. The tunnels were backed up, I got off at the wrong exit and I got lost trying to find the place. Just when I decide to just turn around and go home I find the place, It is a nice office space in a nice office park
I walk in dejected and embarrassed at being late to an interview
Nice lady at desk: Dean!!!
Me: uhm yeah I'm here to see Him2
Nice Lady at desk: Oh I just knew you'd be here! We all told Him2 how bad traffic was and he said to keep an eye out for the second coming
Me: any luck with that?
Nice lady at desk: (leading me back to him2) You're here now to save us, silly, that's all that matters.
Him2: Thanks for stopping by.
Me: Sorry I'm late. This clearly demonstrates how unfit I am to be employed here
Him2: On the contrary, it merely shows what an incredible human being you are. Let me go get Him3, our far-seeing-abstract-product-creating-muckety-muck, he's dying to meet you.
Him3: So the original him told us that you can walk on water and are a supra genius is there anything you care to add to that?
Me: (drooling a little bit, eyes glazed over) wha??
Him2 and Him3:(in unison) How inspiring. I think you're turning us gay or if you don't swing that way maybe you'd like to date our daughters?
Me: ( a little scared now) This isn't by any chance Stepford county?
Him2 and Him3: ( guffawing)
Me: ( giggling a little out of nervousness)
DELETED: 2o minute love fest I'd rather not recall
Him2 and Him3: Well clearly you're way over qualified and seem to have an intuitive grasp of our business and our abstract product. When can we start learning at the feet of the master?
Me: I have no idea what you're talking about or what you folks do here. I read your product description and it all seems to be crazy talk
Him2/Him3: Pshaw, you're too modest. . . What were you thinking about in terms of salary?
Me: They told me not say, but around $XXXX would be fine.
Him2/him3: Well we were thinking about a minimum of $XXXX over that
Me: (kicking myself for naming a salary despite good advice to the contrary)What I meant to say was that anything below that would be an insult . . .
Him2/him3: Him4 gets back into town next week. We'll call you then. Could you provide us with references
Me: ok here you go.
After I get back to my office
Reference1: Him2 just called me and I told him you're great and he agreed
Reference2: Him2 just called me and I told him you're great and he heartily agreed
Reference3: Him2 just called me and told me how great you are and I couldn't get a word in edge wise.
The next day
Him4: Hey, I'm coming over immediately to take you to lunch
Me: uhm ok
Him4: ( arrives at my office) wow, nice office. So I understand you can walk on water and that you invented the world as we know it
Me: actually I have no idea what you're company does and I'm just barely competent here. I expect to be uncovered as a fraud any second. I tried to tell Hims 1,2 and 3 that repeatedly.
Him4: well our company does gobbly-gook that no one understands and we need you to help us. We'll hire you in at this rate and after five minutes evaluate for a raise. I think it likely you'll be vice president in a week or two.
Me: But I love my job at the university and the manicured campus
Him4: But look. I have this big bag of money and I'll make you king of the world.
Me: But what about my PhD program?
Him4: I'll pay for it!
Me: But I don't want to work in that crappy space that the original him works in.
Him4: No problem. You can just visit him occasionally but actually work in the nice office park
Me: But wouldn't he be my boss?
Him4: In his dreams, I don't know who you'll report too but I do know once you come on board everyone in the company is going to love you and want you. Maybe we can clone you.
Me: But I'm stupid and lazy.
Him4: Ok, Ok I'll pay you $XXXX more and of course there is gobbly gook stock options.
Me: (smile and nod)
So, now I'm waiting for the offer to show up in the mail. Him4 as much as told me that he expected me to use it to try and negotiate a higher salary here and wants to help me along. He also knows I have a nice long Christmas break coming up and couldn't possibly start till the middle of January.
Who knew interviewing was so easy?
So it looks as if I'm going to get a juicy new job offer soon. I had my third interview (informal lunch with Chief Techy of the Rapidly Growing Highly Abstract Product/Service Firm with Tendrils reaching out everywhere. )
Here is how a summary of how the process went
I hit the send button on the email containing my fifty billionth resume and rapidly customized cover letter. (position: writer-editor-trainer)
Five minutes later I get a glowing reply from the project manager looking to hire me
Two days later I get an interview with him. I go to this crappy warehouse.
Him: Wow. You're qualified. What can you tell me about yourself?
Me: Err .. . I think I'm barely qualified if you'll only give me a chance
Him: Ok
Me: Ok, what?
Him: well you're qualified, you make me all happy inside and you'll be working here in this crappy warehouse.
Him: What are your salary requirements?
Me: (thinking:Well they just feed me table scraps now so any salary whatsoever would be fine) Saying: They told me not to name a salary
Him: Who is they?
Me: Err. . People who I talked to about interviewing techniques
Him: I believe in being forthright.
Me: I believe in listening to people who know about stuff like this but I'll do a five minute solilique on why money is not important to me and I just want to be well liked so you don't think I'm not being forthright
Him: Well Ok then, you convinced me. On to the second interview. We're going to be looking at dozens of people so it may be a while till you get that call
Me: (bowing and scraping) thank you Sahib, thank you
Him: might be a year or two till they call your non forthright ass, even though I have man love for you.
Me: (bowing and scraping) thank you Sahib, thank you
Five minutes later the phone rings
him2: Hey I just talked to the original him and he said you could be running this company in a week and he wants you to be a sperm donor because his sperm is obviously inferior to yours why don't you drop by in five minutes and talk with myself and Him3
Me: well I'm at work now and its late in the afternoon , how about tomorrow morning?
Him2: Ok how about midnight, that's morning?
Me: how about noon?
Him2: how about the crack of dawn?
Me: how about 8 am?
Him2: aww ok
The next day, I'm 2o minutes late. The tunnels were backed up, I got off at the wrong exit and I got lost trying to find the place. Just when I decide to just turn around and go home I find the place, It is a nice office space in a nice office park
I walk in dejected and embarrassed at being late to an interview
Nice lady at desk: Dean!!!
Me: uhm yeah I'm here to see Him2
Nice Lady at desk: Oh I just knew you'd be here! We all told Him2 how bad traffic was and he said to keep an eye out for the second coming
Me: any luck with that?
Nice lady at desk: (leading me back to him2) You're here now to save us, silly, that's all that matters.
Him2: Thanks for stopping by.
Me: Sorry I'm late. This clearly demonstrates how unfit I am to be employed here
Him2: On the contrary, it merely shows what an incredible human being you are. Let me go get Him3, our far-seeing-abstract-product-creating-muckety-muck, he's dying to meet you.
Him3: So the original him told us that you can walk on water and are a supra genius is there anything you care to add to that?
Me: (drooling a little bit, eyes glazed over) wha??
Him2 and Him3:(in unison) How inspiring. I think you're turning us gay or if you don't swing that way maybe you'd like to date our daughters?
Me: ( a little scared now) This isn't by any chance Stepford county?
Him2 and Him3: ( guffawing)
Me: ( giggling a little out of nervousness)
DELETED: 2o minute love fest I'd rather not recall
Him2 and Him3: Well clearly you're way over qualified and seem to have an intuitive grasp of our business and our abstract product. When can we start learning at the feet of the master?
Me: I have no idea what you're talking about or what you folks do here. I read your product description and it all seems to be crazy talk
Him2/Him3: Pshaw, you're too modest. . . What were you thinking about in terms of salary?
Me: They told me not say, but around $XXXX would be fine.
Him2/him3: Well we were thinking about a minimum of $XXXX over that
Me: (kicking myself for naming a salary despite good advice to the contrary)What I meant to say was that anything below that would be an insult . . .
Him2/him3: Him4 gets back into town next week. We'll call you then. Could you provide us with references
Me: ok here you go.
After I get back to my office
Reference1: Him2 just called me and I told him you're great and he agreed
Reference2: Him2 just called me and I told him you're great and he heartily agreed
Reference3: Him2 just called me and told me how great you are and I couldn't get a word in edge wise.
The next day
Him4: Hey, I'm coming over immediately to take you to lunch
Me: uhm ok
Him4: ( arrives at my office) wow, nice office. So I understand you can walk on water and that you invented the world as we know it
Me: actually I have no idea what you're company does and I'm just barely competent here. I expect to be uncovered as a fraud any second. I tried to tell Hims 1,2 and 3 that repeatedly.
Him4: well our company does gobbly-gook that no one understands and we need you to help us. We'll hire you in at this rate and after five minutes evaluate for a raise. I think it likely you'll be vice president in a week or two.
Me: But I love my job at the university and the manicured campus
Him4: But look. I have this big bag of money and I'll make you king of the world.
Me: But what about my PhD program?
Him4: I'll pay for it!
Me: But I don't want to work in that crappy space that the original him works in.
Him4: No problem. You can just visit him occasionally but actually work in the nice office park
Me: But wouldn't he be my boss?
Him4: In his dreams, I don't know who you'll report too but I do know once you come on board everyone in the company is going to love you and want you. Maybe we can clone you.
Me: But I'm stupid and lazy.
Him4: Ok, Ok I'll pay you $XXXX more and of course there is gobbly gook stock options.
Me: (smile and nod)
So, now I'm waiting for the offer to show up in the mail. Him4 as much as told me that he expected me to use it to try and negotiate a higher salary here and wants to help me along. He also knows I have a nice long Christmas break coming up and couldn't possibly start till the middle of January.
Who knew interviewing was so easy?
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